If Only....

If my brother Loren were here, he’d be spending the holidays with us in Sylvania.  I’d make sure of it.  He’d be happy to drive down to St. Petersburg, stop at some of his favorite nature preserves, spend a few days visiting with our friend Sandie, and take that great Allegiant Air flight direct to Toledo.  He’d still have his cranberry red Kia.  I’d be overjoyed to see him, to hug him, to hear him.  We’d talk about things that mattered, about politics, the economy, the environment, patriarchy, Voyager, family stories, sports, his book and new books.

If my brother Loren were here, I think he would seriously consider moving up to Ohio.  As much as he had grown to love Florida, especially its natural environment, its parks and rivers, its flora and fauna, he always said he wanted to return “home to Rochester.” I think he would have considered Ohio,  too, because we are all here, my kids and grandkids and great grandson Philip.  He would help them put up his old train set, and he would love being a kid again with them. He'd love experiencing the four seasons again.

If Loren were here, I wouldn’t feel such loss.  Life is not the same without my brother in it.  I am missing him more than ever.  I go to bed thinking about him and wake up thinking about him.  It’s the holidays, I guess.   He is a memory, a spirit somewhere, but we will never see each other again.  I can’t seem to believe what he believed, that when you die it’s a new beginning, that you are one with the goddess, reborn forever into a peaceful beautiful world.   If only Christmas wishes  came true.  If only…