Wednesday, May 22, 2013

If only: May 22, the day my brother left us

A few memorial blogs for my brother on the 3rd anniversary of his
death, the day of his departure to parts unknown, somewhere in the heavens maybe, out in the cosmos, way out, where it is beautiful and peaceful and loving.  A star in the sky, a moon watcher, a dreamer.  The angel who was always with us, maybe still is if he can be.   

If Only.... (Dec 2012)

If my brother Loren were here, he’d be spending every holiday with us in Sylvania.  I’d make sure of it.  He wouldn't mind driving down to St. Petersburg, stopping at some of his favorite nature preserves, spending a few days visiting with our friend Sandie, then taking that great Allegiant Air flight direct to Toledo.  He’d still have his cranberry red Kia.  I’d be overjoyed to see him, to hug him, to hear him.  We’d talk about things that mattered, about politics, the environment, patriarchy, family stories, sports, his book and new books.

If my brother Loren were here, I think he would seriously consider moving up to Ohio.  As much as he had grown to love Florida, especially its natural environment, its parks and rivers, its flora and fauna, he always said he wanted to return “home to Rochester.” I think he would have considered Ohio,  too, because we are all here, my kids and grandkids and great grandson Philip.  He would help them put up his old train set, and he would love being a kid again with them. He'd love experiencing the four seasons again.

If Loren were here, I wouldn’t feel such loss. I go to bed thinking about him and wake up thinking about him.  He is a memory, a spirit somewhere, but we will never see each other again.  I can’t seem to believe what he believed, that when you die it’s a new beginning, that you are one with the goddess, reborn forever into a peaceful beautiful world. If only wishes came true.  If only...

Missing Loren  (October 2011)
Life gets better, but grieving doesn’t. Or maybe it takes more time, or more than time.

I miss my brother Loren. I want to talk with him, see him, hear him. My sister and I have lost our favorite political
Costa Rica, Arenal volcano,
 rainforest
guru and ranter. We could say things to each other that we wouldn’t say out loud to any other living soul, and be forgiven, understood, even encouraged! We could say the most outrageous things that came into our heads, without screening. We laughed a lot as we went over the top on our favorite demons.

How I wish my spiritual twin was here with me in real time. Is he with the angels? Conversing with the goddess he worshipped? I want to believe it, but I have my doubts. I can almost hear Loren correcting me as I say this. "There are no ends in nature" he is saying. "Only beginnings."
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