Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day 2013: Remembering Loren

My brother Loren always longed for a special love in his life, a woman like a goddess who loved only him, unconditionally, passionately, joyfully.  He never got this, and he always felt sad about it, sometimes angry, always alone and lonely. Valentine's Day didn't help.

With my sister Andy and Loren in Amsterdam, visiting
Andy''s daughter Kaaren.. 
We used to wonder how Loren could feel this way with so many friends in his life. so many causes, so much civic engagement.  He didn't seem to know how loved he was by so many.  Maybe he didn't connect the dots, Andy would say.  "I was floored by how many people came to his memorial gathering and book signings," she said.  

But I think I understand Loren's loneliness now more than I did before.  Especially when I miss him a lot, like on Valentine's Day. His autobiography, An Asperger Journey, provides insight.  And life experience, being happy but being away from home and the people you love.   Since that day in May 2010, when I got the call from Andy and made the saddest journey of my life back home, to Tallahassee from Starobelsk, for Loren's memorial service, I have felt alone without Loren in my life.  Not lonely so much, but missing a best friend, a soulmate. 

I'm an independent cuss, like living on my own, don't know if  "true love" exists,  have a full and happy life, but grief hits me in the pit of my stomach from time to time.  It's been more than two years, almost three, and Loren is not here.  I want to howl like a wolf, howl at the moon, the moon Loren and I shared, that united us even when we were far apart geographically.  Maybe then he could hear me.   

Loren, another Valentine's day has rolled around, and we have so much to talk about, so much catching up to do.  The planet is reeling from climate change.  Unusual storms, hurricanes, earthquakes, tsunamis are pounding us.  Revolutions are taking place all over the world. Peace is as elusive as ever.  The Middle East continues to rage.  Obama was re-elected to a second term. Hillary Clinton completed her brilliant service as Secretary of State, looking like she truly  needs a break, and some sleep.  Many of our elected officials and leaders have succumbed to temptation and betrayals of trust.   Gun violence has brought tremendous tragedy, senseless deaths.  Our economy remains precarious.”  
“Yeah, sis, I know.  I’m there.  I’m with you. I see the good and the bad. I’m moving on.”   

”But Loren, I want to tell you about what’s going on in Sylvania, too, with your nieces and the grandkids, five-year-old Philip and one-year-old Chase.   Also, I had thought we could do another trip together after Peace Corps.  I was counting on it.  A road trip to the Southwest and Northwest.  Some time in Mexico.  I wanted so much to share Mexico with you

“I hear you sis.  I’m with you, in all your hopes and dreams, on all your journeys.  I am with you, and I’m moving on.”

Okay, so I keep hearing this one message over and over: that Loren is moving on.  I hope this is not just wishful thinking.  But will I ever catch up with him?  Will I ever stop feeling alone without him?  I don’t know.  Maybe some day, in the fullness of time.  Maybe.  Meanwhile, dear brother, Happy Valentine's Day.  I  hope you have found your goddess.  
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